Micah's Wonder Shack

Salaam!

I wanted to talk about something that had happened to me this past week. I dissociate, hard, like never before. So much so that my hands felt alien and the mirror no longer resembled anything that would look like 'me'. This is a natural response to trauma, the brain shielding itself away from damage to protect itself.

I work as a software engineer, and it can be hard work at the best of times. Currently, I am the sole developer on a project, a new product we're launching, and it's a great opportunity! However, it can also be a tad stressful. I am not consciously stressed about it, the product is great, and I am super proud of my work. I feel that despite this, there's that subconscious pressure and stress. Furthermore, I've always been a bit of a perfectionist - perhaps a tactic by the brain to ensure that trauma doesn't happen again by being 'perfect' - so of course I'm going to have problems with my work and want to make it better. I need to stop myself and try to limit the stress.

When the dissociation got to its worst, Wednesday evening through Friday evening, I disappeared from social media. I didn't talk to anyone in my social circle, including my partner, during that time. Thinking about why, I think that the reason was that I simply didn't feel like myself any more. I, Micah, wasn't really present. I could see, but I couldn't really feel, and it felt like I was experiencing things through the proverbial poop periscope. Work got done, and we attended meetings, but I would have a hard time saying that I did that work.

Perhaps Micah is more complicated than a simple I. Maybe I, needs to become we. Thinking about it, I feel like sometimes there are perhaps more than one person who make Micah. During this period of deep dissociation, a part of us was missing, so Micah felt wrong and hard.

I suppose time needs to be taken to meditate on what caused this. Of course there are going to be factors outside our control, but thinking about it, this dissociation came hot off the heels of some news that I'd need to pay to replace a cracked window in my flat. By itself, this mightn't sound like a big deal, but there is some context needed. I am currently saving up money, so I can move to the Netherlands from England, where my partner lives. So I can move in with them.

Naturally, the money to replace is going to need to come out of this moving money. This flat is also far from perfect, located next to noisy neighbours and a loud pub directly outside. When I need quiet, or at least predictable sound, this means that there's going to be a constant level of stress. This combined with work, window, and generally not living in a great place, probably combined with some HRT stuff, created a recipe for dissociation.

I can't remember much of anything about my time during this period. I can't remember what I did at work really, or what I was doing. Playing Cyberpunk probably, creating this blog, and researching some plurality, Islam, and other stuff.

However, now I, Micah as I knew myself, is coming back. I feel more like me. I think a lack of sleep really didn't help with dissociation. Hopefully I've remedied this with some new bedding and a more firm pillow. Either way, I am coming back, and I feel happier. At the end of the day, that's the most important thing.